Being a Christian for so long, you would think that we have the gospel memorized. Now, I laugh after realizing that what our leaders say is true – you have to preach the gospel to yourself everyday. The reality is we forget it. We get deceived in subtle ways that corrupts our living, and if we don’t go back to the basics of our faith, it can hurt us badly. Every single thing goes back to the cross, nothing is ever not about the gospel, especially on how we live our Christian lives. Let me tell you my story.
We always have that one particular issue that we know has to be changed. Most of us, struggle with that thing for a long time. We try a lot of strategies to fight it, we talked to a lot of people for prayers, encouragement and guidance. Most of us cried to the Lord for many many times to be delivered from this, and pled with the Holy Spirit everyday for His work to continue in us. I have that thing too.
After many years of praying, fighting, talking and crying about it, I had a breakthrough months ago. Finally, the time came when I am no longer attracted to it. Almost as if like my appetite as a person has changed. It was a time of victory and celebration for me and those who disciple me. I realized that I have been believing lies about myself and God before, that kept me from letting go of this. The simple truth that I have the freedom because of what Jesus did on the cross, and that I should have no fear of getting back to it because the Holy Spirit enables me to be victorious, is enough to change me for the long haul.
I just wish though, that the story about that thing ended there. But sometimes, it just doesn’t. Like I said, we tend to forget.
Months after the breakthrough, I caught myself paying attention to that thing again. Not really feeling a longing to it. But I looked because I feel strange. That thing has been with me for so long, and now that I am free, it feels strange to not have it. In my mind, I know that the freedom is what’s right and what I want, but it feels strange. My psychology training tells me that this is just learned behavior. After repeating that thing for many years, of course, it will feel as if it’s a part of you! Because of that sense of familiarity, I was drawn to that thing again. I hated myself because it’s so ironic. After crying out because of that thing for many years, and coming to a point of breakthrough, I came back to it willingly.
So I started problem-solving. Like most of you, I didn’t go back to God yet. Shame has a way of deceiving us into not going back to Who we needed the most. Shame pushes us into thinking that we should solve the thing first before coming back to God. And so that’s what I did. I tried to analyze what lie am I believing this time. I tried to go back where the point of failure began. I tried planning the other guardrails I could set up. Sadly, my efforts are all in vain. The shame grew into frustration, that grew to resignation. I just can’t figure it all out. In my mind, once it is settled, then I can finally go back to God.
One time, I told my boyfriend about it and he said:
Him: Have you talked to God about it?
Me: Not yet. Not when I’m still in it.
Him: That’s when you need to talk to God about it the most.
Now that I think about what happened, I feel so foolish. I am not discrediting the efforts of people who try hard to overcome their thing. What I’m saying here is apart from God, there is no righteousness. I am a fool to believe that I can be righteous while maintaining my distance from God. Isn’t that the whole point of the gospel? That we are saved by grace and not by our own works? Yes, I think we really do tend to forget.
I forgot that the best pursuit of my life is pursuing God, not maintaining a perfect record. I forgot that my God, is my lover, my counselor, my advocate and my redeemer. I forgot that Christianity is about my relationship with God and then out of that, the good works will follow. I forgot that God loves me equally before, during and after the breakthrough.
16 For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. 17 This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.”
Romans 1: 16,17 NLT
16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.”
Romans 1: 16,17 ESV
Romans 1:16,17 reminds me that righteousness, from start to finish, is by faith. Nothing else. I will continue to be victorious over that thing but now, I know I am standing in the right place. From the gospel’s perspective, I am assured that the war is already won. I am reminded not to consider my breakthrough a fake one. I had to learn one thing during this relapse: the righteous shall live by faith.
Ainah Salcedo 